Riley: 12 Years

{Note: This was written on Riley's birthday, but didn't make it on to the blog due to technical issues. I apologize for the lack of photos!}

For the second year in a row, Riley is spending his birthday at Camp JCA. This is a good compromise for a kid whose birthday celebrations often get lost in the summer. There, he is surrounded by friends and spending the day doing fabulous activities. The few letters we received from him and the photos we’re seeing from camp show that he is having a really fun time.

Each letter also states that he misses us. We are told that more than we are told about his activities, his cabin mates or the food.

Camp and activities like this are bittersweet for Riley. The days leading up to camp brought plenty of tears as he grappled with the reality of being separated from us for 12 days. He even said he didn’t want to go to camp. Let me remind you that this is the same kid who cried every night for a week after returning from camp last year because he missed his friends and counselors so much. It’s hard to transition from love to love - always looking forward to one but afraid of what you’re leaving behind as you make the move.

Transitions have always been, and remain, an emotional trigger for Riley. It’s frustrating to watch the melt downs as he deals with them, but it is gratifying to know the connections he makes are strong and real.

Unfortunately, not all his struggles with transitions are the result of something as sweet as relationships. A year ago, Riley started middle school. We followed all the advice we received from school and teachers about letting our kid be independent and take responsibility for himself. After all, that’s exactly what we did with Holden and saw that he did, indeed, get himself organized and through with success. It’s like we’re new. It was only weeks into the semester when Riley got his first detention for not telling us he had a warning for missing a homework assignment. Then, the bad grades started posting.

We met with some of his teachers then, and then we had his 504 Plan meeting. Turns out, with some kids, you just have to have more oversight. We clamped down and became co-managers of the Riley School Department. It didn’t take too long to get him back on track and, for the most part, flying on his own as the school year progressed. He ended up with all As and Bs and that was really on him. He needs a lot of initial guidance and oversight but, once he figures it out, he is more than capable.

Another trigger we finally identified is food. There is a lot to unpack in this issue, but, basically, we have gotten ourselves into a vicious circle: he behaves poorly at a meal, we get mad, he has a fit…. most family meals are ruined. Soon, we figured out the anxiety of family meals was causing the poor behavior even before we sat down at the table. We’ve focused a lot on this issue this year with the help of a therapist. We have a written set of rules for meals we follow and practice. Coupled with his hyperactivity and not eating all day because of his medicine, dinner time and late afternoon are a difficult time when he is hangry and out of control. Knowing all this helps us plan and prevent, to an extent. It also puts us in perpetual fight mode. We are right now one-week out from a family vacation to Hawaii, which will involve being spontaneous and adventurous with our meals… and we’re already stealing ourselves for drama.

So, yes, parenting Riley takes a lot of work and can be an emotional rollercoaster. But, it’s also super gratifying to look back and see how far he’s gone. Those tantrums he throws? They end pretty quick. For the most part, they physical reactions are all but gone. And, while his lack of self awareness frustrates us as we try to work through the issues, it is true what they say: ignorance is bliss. If you don’t dig deep, you can be pretty happy. His therapist has confirmed for us repeatedly what we see: there are no skeletons hiding in dark closets in Riley’s mind. He is generally carefree, joyful and silly. He loves to laugh and make others laugh. And, like I mentioned above, he loves his people wholly and unabashedly.

This year, he took a couple pottery and ceramics classes and really loved them and made some great pieces. He continued to play soccer without a lot of passion, but also without a lot of complaint. Religious School continues with some complaint, but he seems to see what he’s working toward and is one year away from his bar mitzvah.

His first love, though, is screens. Video games, YouTube videos and binge watching The Flash on Netflix are his drugs of choice. Like many kids, we see the pull the screens have on him, and Holden. We do our best to clamp down with restrictions, but also acknowledge that they work hard and deserve some downtime to spend the way they want. It also keeps them connected to their friends, which is nice.

Dear Ra,

In so many ways you are still a boy, yet I’m seeing more and more the man you’re becoming. The transition, like all our transitions, is slow and difficult. Please know that your dad and I are there to help you overcome the challenges in your path. Our only desire is for your happiness. Whatever you do, whoever you do it with and wherever you go - we want you to be filled with joy, peace and love.

You are capable of so much - more than you even think. Take the opportunities to learn and try new things. Don’t be afraid to fail… be afraid of missing out. Failure is the only way to learn. We know that it is scary to leave your comfort zones, but we are there with you, cheering you on and making sure you are safe.

We miss you lots, too, while you’re away. But it is worth it knowing that this time is being spent making and strengthening connections, gaining self confidence and having fun. And when it’s time to transition again, we will be there for you with hugs and kisses.

Good night, I love you, have sweet, sweet dreams.

Love,

Mama