Holden: High School Graduation

I'm both a sentimental sap and a super proud mom, so here is where you're going to get a heavy dose of both.

I never thought it would be possible to feel such a wide range of emotions at any given moment. I know what I'm feeling is not unique: parents have always discussed the bittersweetness that comes with children reaching milestones, especially big ones like high school graduation. But here we are.

For the last few months and weeks I've watched as Holden plowed quickly ahead, checking off each high school senior moment. Prom, grad night and award ceremony after award ceremony. Turns out, you never get tired of watching your kid (and his friends) on stage accepting accolades for their achievements. For example:

Receiving his Academic Pin (meaning he received an Academic Letter his junior year and maintained above a 3.5 weighted grade point average for six cumulative semesters):

With Mr. Brown, Assistant Principal

Tyler Fujikawa, Tora Matsuda, Jacob Owens and Holden

Receiving two PTA Scholarships from his elementary and middle schools:

Principal Anthony Bridi, the PTA President and RBUSD Superintendent Steven Keller

Holden, Brecken, Tyler, Tora and James

Receiving recognition for Project Lead the Way for completing the Digital Electronics Path:

Receiving a scholarship from Leadership Hermosa Beach for his essay on leadership, in which he talked about lessons he learned about how to be a good leader from his job at Starbucks:

With Miguel Mier

With Maya Williams

These were in addition to the gold tassel and cords he received for being a member of the California Scholarship Federation for his grades and citizenship. When all was said and done, Holden's Redondo Union High School diploma, which carries the Golden State Seal for Merit, was based on a cumulative weighted GPA of 4.28.

That just about covers the Proud Mama part. 

While I'm in constant awe of his dedication and achievements, the emotions of the finality of these moments keep passing over me in strong waves. I fought back tears as Holden and Riley left for school together for the last time after heading out together almost every day for many, many years.

It feels so real. He will never have to go to school again, it's all his choice from here on out. He will never go to school with his brother again. He will be moving in just a few months for UC Santa Cruz, leaving behind an empty bedroom and a void in my heart.

Of all the emotions I'm feeling around Holden's graduation, the one that keeps rising to the top is gratitude. I am so thankful for his hard work, dedication and self-driven achievements, and for his being a kind, sensitive and thoughtful man. I am so lucky to be his mama.

Senior portrait photo shoot:

Holden: 18 Years

 The last one.

I've been thinking about how it would feel to write this last birthday update for Holden after doing one every year since he was very little, and even more when he was even littler. But 18 years old seems like a good time to stop. It's time to hand over to Holden ownership of his story. It's now his to tell.

I recently asked Holden if he ever thought of life as chapters or parts in a book. He had not, which goes to show how few chapters he's lived and how many more are left in his story. I told him that, if his life were a book, he would be on the final pages of Life Part I.

Life for Holden right now is all about Life Part II. He is 34 days from College Decision Day and that is weighing heavy on his mind. It's such a strange phenomenon to not know where your life will go in just 6 short months. For those keeping score at home, here's what he's got:

Accepted

• UC Santa Cruz
• University of Arizona
• University of Illinois-Urbana Champaign
• University of Colorado, Boulder

Wait Listed

• UC San Diego

Schools That Don't Know What They're Missing

• University of Washington
• UCLA
• UC Berkeley
• Cal Tech

We visited The U of A last September and he really liked it and could see himself there. They were generous with their offer, bringing the price to be comparable to the UC schools. We visited UCSD recently - the same day he heard back from them. We're going to UCSC later this week.

He may not fall in love with any school campus, and I think he is aware of that. His decision-making process is very Holden: Which academic program will he get the most out of? Bang for buck? How does it feel to be on campus? Which AP and Community College credits will transfer?

Wherever he decides to go, I have no doubt that he will thrive and succeed. He has prepared for Life Part II diligently and thoughtfully for years now. He has worked so hard in school and his grades reflect his commitment. He knows how proud we are of all he has accomplished. We can't wait to see how Life Part II, and all the other parts, play out.

Meanwhile, he's admirably battling a wicked case of senioritis. He has a funky schedule at school this year with four classes: Periods 2, 4, 5 and 6. So, two days a week, because of blocked scheduling, he only goes to school for one class for a couple hours. He continues to take a couple classes a semester at El Camino Community College.

Holden is also a Starbucks "partner" (i.e. barista, cashier and janitor) at the Del Amo Mall. The experience has been very good for him. He enjoys going to work, even on days when there are lines out the door with teenagers ordering Frappuccino after Frappuccino with a broken ice machine. He is creating quite a nest egg for himself to help with college while leaning into a fabulous work ethic.

Being on the other side of pandemic lockdowns is giving him more opportunities to hang out with friends. He's one of only a couple with a driver's license and always trying to rally the pals out the door.

This year included his first car accident (he was fine; the 4Runner was not), the shedding of bedtimes (I sometimes hear the TV on in the living room at 1 a.m.), solo clothes shopping trips and, of course, lots of videos and video games.

My favorite times with Holden are when he is in a chatty mood. Sometimes he lingers at the dinner table with Kevin and me, talking about everything from school to college to physics to politics to his friends. He is interesting and insightful. He is super easy to be around. It was just he and I on the UCSD trip - our first time traveling alone together - and I genuinely enjoyed his company and found him to be a flexible and adventurous travel partner. He is a healthy mix of outgoing and introverted and is kind and thoughtful. He is super responsible, even though he doesn't always take chores to completion, earning him the nickname "Almost." 

Life will be very different without him around every day. I can't wait to hear all his stories.

Dear Holden,

The other day you came bursting in the door after school as you eagerly tapped through on the last college decision email that just arrived. You came to my side so we could read the letter together, my hand on your wrist as you held the phone. While the decision was not a surprise to you, there was some disappointment in your gait for a few minutes. It wasn't long before you realized, though, that you now have all the information you need to make a real choice. It's been a long one coming and yet it seems you only have such a short time to decide. There are no wrong choices, as wherever you decide to go you will learn, grow and have fun because when you set your mind to something, you make it happen.

I know you know this but it's hard for me to think about you leaving. For so long, I prided myself in being that parent who, honestly, couldn't wait for her kids to gain independence so I could reclaim mine. Before having kids, the idea of giving so much of my freedom and time to help someone else seemed terrible. Then, you get into it for real, with weekends filled with driving kids to birthday parties and soccer games and you find happiness in your children's happiness but... well, yeah, you look forward to that slog ending. What's giving me the sad feels is thinking about not having you here each day. I'll miss hearing about your day and talking with you about everything and nothing.

On nights that you work late you always come in and sit on the side of my bed for a few minutes. By then, your dad and Riley are asleep and it's just the two of us touching base for a few minutes in the quiet. As the smell of coffee wafts from your body, you talk about the shift, telling me funny stories. It's also a chance to check in on what's coming up the next day - tests or doctor's appointments. It's mundane but it's special. It's those moments and so many like it that make my heart hurt when I think about them disappearing.

For your 18th birthday, you want to skydive. You seemed a little hesitant to tell me because you didn't want me to worry. The thing is, I will always worry as much as I never worry when it comes to you. You are solid. You are smart, strong, stable and sure of yourself. While I'll never step out of a flying plane with you, I will always ask if you have a parachute. It's your time to fly. I'll be waiting on the ground to hug you when you return.

Happy 18th Birthday my Holden. I love you more than you could ever know.

Love,

Mama

Holden: 17 Years

 At 17, Holden is in the driver's seat - literally and figuratively. 

After a pandemic-caused delay, Holden earned his driver's license in September. Unfortunately, he hasn't had many places to go, but likes to drive the family around and will get behind the wheel for local errands. He also likes to combine three of his favorite things: driving, food and being alone. A couple times a month, after online classes end at 12:35 p.m., he'll drive to get himself some lunch. Not only does this help quash his cuisine cravings, but it also gives him fleeting moments of solitude and independence. He's a really good driver, albeit there is so much to learn and time until it becomes second nature. After some time, he relaxes into it. There's so much to be aware of and thinking about all the time, but I don't worry a lot when he's driving. He's proven himself responsible and continues to improve.

He's also driving his own future - and doing so in the fast lane! We always knew Holden was a dedicated student and interested in learning and earning high marks. This year was a challenge like no other. A junior year with four AP classes, all online from his bedroom. Like most challenges Holden faces, he rose to it and exceeds our expectations. With a consistent 4.3ish GPA and a PSAT score of 1310, Holden is ensuring his future is his to choose. He is attending college fairs online, working with a school college counselor and a private one we hired to help him choose schools and help us with the financials. He has his sights set on an internship this summer, as well as getting a head start on college with a class at El Camino Community College. In selecting courses for next year, he didn't take the easy way out and kept to rigorous, challenging courses - including one or two more at El Co. He's preparing for the SAT in a month by taking a practice SAT online every weekend - completely his plan and his dedication.

He is working toward a higher degree in astrophysics. It's the perfect goal for this kid who has thought about space since he was a little guy and naturally gravitates toward computer science. He taught himself coding a couple years ago for fun and takes advantage of being able to watch rocket launches on his second monitor when they happen during school. Many times he comes down to watch it on the large TV in the living room, and he's so knowledgeable about the science and process behind each launch. We spent hours together one weekend watching the SpaceX Crew Dragon blast off then dock at the International Space Station the next day.

All of this against the backdrop of what could only be described as the strangest year any of us will ever experience. The COVID-19 pandemic brought much fear to all of us and Holden, ever the rule-follower, understood the critical importance of masks and distance and kept to it all without complaint. It's only now, as we near the end of our year-plus quarantine, that he is starting to get antsy for a return to school. He knows he'll learn better in the classroom and is starting to look forward to seeing his friends. During the entire year, he only saw some of them a few times for lunches in the park. Luckily, he's got a great group of friends - most of whom he's known since the earliest elementary school days - and they keep in close contact. They chat through classes and play video games together.

In December, he finally was confirmed with his class. They created and led a beautiful service on the theme "Light in the Dark," which went well with Hannukah and the challenges everyone faced in 2020. He wrote and read an essay that was thoughtful and touching.

Through it all, he has kept an amazing attitude. We hardly ever fight and he and his brother, despite existing 10 feet away from each other all day every day, still get along so well. Holden is understanding and patient. He is aware of our unique family dynamics and knows how to navigate them, avoid conflict and tries to help others do the same. His sarcasm and sense of humor feel both refreshing and familiar, as I see both Kevin and I in him in that way. He is knowledgeable about current events and politics and remained interested and engaged in last year's election news.

Dear Holden,

We have spent a lot of time together this past year. It was unexpected but, for me, it was one of the brightest silver linings of this entire COVID-19 experience. We take walks together and we drive around on errands. We have more family meals and play games together. Our conversations are about everything: friends and family, current events and space and, mostly, your education and future. I love listening to your stories and thoughts and have even found myself seeking and trusting wise counsel from you on issues I face. Your advice is thoughtful and helpful and I've appreciated hearing your reasonable perspective on things.

Your future is our present and it is exciting to be a part of it. It's, of course, bittersweet. I can't wait for you to experience college and life on your own but, man, am I going to miss you around here! It's hard to believe that, in a year and a half, you'll be moving out. I hope the close bonds we share now will last and grow and you know you can always talk with us about whatever is on your mind.

You mentioned recently that maybe you'll become a professor, and that makes a lot of sense to me. I think about how you recently taught me to play chess. You are patient and kind, teaching me by letting me fail and then learn from my mistakes. I'm no match for you, but you still take the time to play with me because you know that practice is the only way I'll get better. You were praised as an effective madrichim and Hebrew tutor at Temple for the same grace you showed with the students there.

Whatever you do and wherever you go - even if it's in space - I have every confidence in the world that you will be successful and happy. You've had your eyes on the stars for a very long time and they are in your reach because of your own drive. I couldn't be more proud.

I love you!

Mama

Holden: 16 Years

Holden's 16th birthday is not going as expected. He was supposed to be at a joint birthday party today playing Airsoft with his friends. He is supposed to get his driver's license in a couple weeks. Frankly, he's supposed to be able to spend these days going to school, hanging out with friends, being outside and all the other normal things teenagers do.

But, right now, our world is in the most not normal place it's ever been. We are in the midst of a global pandemic, held hostage in her homes by a thing called the coronavirus in an attempt to "flatten the curve" and slow its spread.

I'm hoping one day Holden, and all of us, will look back at this time with a sense of relief that that terrible thing that happened is over, having gained a better understanding of the important responsibility we all have to look out for each other.

Sure, Holden's disappointed that he doesn't get to celebrate his 16th the way he planned but, in true Holden fashion, he's rolling with it. I'm sure there is even a bit part of him that doesn't mind the weeks - potentially months - of self quarantining and social isolation we've been forced to practice. After all, he's getting to unabashedly embrace his inner sloth and watch as much Netflix and play as many video games as he wants. All day. Every day.

Luckily, he still has his friends to play video games with. And lucky for Kevin and me, he is still responsible Holden, getting his virtual schoolwork done, taking care of his chores (with some reminding) and even going out for runs (begrudgingly).

His sophomore year in high school is going great. He's at a 4.3 GPA and we've started meeting with a college counselor to plan for the next steps. You can see how excited he is about the possibilities and remains steadfast in his interest in computer science or software engineering. He'd like to go into aerospace or do something related to space. When he was a little kid, he wanted to be an astronomer, so this career aspiration doesn't surprise us at all.

He remains involved in the synagogue and is starting to prepare for Confirmation, which we hope will not be canceled. Our Rabbi, who is his teacher this year, told me that Holden has a reputation of being the "reasonable" one in his group. While his classmates sort of tease him about it, he doesn't mind. He knows this time is valuable and will do what he can to get the group back on track in their discussions. He recently went with his class to Washington, D.C. for a social action weekend where they learned about issues such as gun control, women's rights and Israeli-American relations and spent a day lobbying on Capitol Hill. It was an amazing weekend of growth and learning how to find - and use - his voice.

Holden is most excited, though, to get his driver's license and experience the freedom that comes with it. He's a great driver and diligent about practicing. In fact, he asked to spend part of today on a drive. He took Kevin and me to Lowe's for an errand. Then we picked up food and went for a drive on the Palos Verdes Peninsula. Hoping to find a place to park and enjoy the view while we ate, the coronavirus has all places people would go shut off. So we ended up in a parking lot eating our Mexican food. And he was pleased with this - always finding happiness in good food and a fun drive.

Some of my most favorite times with Holden are when it's just he and I in the car, and I will miss those times when he gets his license and doesn't need me there with him anymore. We have the best conversations during these times - anything from politics to his friends. I love hearing his thoughts and insights on everything. Sometimes, his understanding of complex issues surprises me. Sometimes, his views remind me that there is so little he knows, and so much left to learn.

Dear Holden,

You sometimes share stories with us about your friends and their relationships with their parents. As typical teenagers, many of them complain about their parents or fight with them. Not that everything between us is rainbows and unicorns all the time but you, like us, realize we're pretty lucky to not have too many difficult times with each other. Of course, we know you think we nag you about chores (if you'd just do them, we wouldn't have to nag...) and you don't agree with some of our decisions. But, overall, you seem to accept the roles we must play in your life and you do a good job of not letting these annoyances get to you.

You're in the home stretch now. A driver's license soon (we hope), a part-time job, an upcoming junior year that may just kick your ass and, soon, adulthood, college and moving away. This seems like a good time to pause and remind you of a few important things as you careen toward adulthood:

1. Stick with your people. Community and relationships are everything. You can be successful in school and a career, but it is the connections to people that will bring you true happiness.

2. Be polite. Or, more importantly, don't be a dick.

3. Personal hygiene is very important.

4. Be flexible. Understanding that life doesn't always go the way you want will help you move through it with much less drama. Give yourself the option to change your mind. Go with the flow. Don't say "no" too quickly - you never know where the opportunity will lead.

5. Tikkun olam - be one of the world's helpers... it can use a lot of help.

You're in the driver's seat now Holden. Plot your course. I won't always be there to scream "STOP!" as you speed toward a red light, but I'm with you always, your faithful co-pilot through life.

I love you,
Mama

Holden: 15 Years

Who is that man upstairs? At least 10 times a day, I think that to myself when I hear Holden talking. There is this deep, unfamiliar voice wafting down the stairs that startles me into thinking we have an intruder. Then, I remember how Holden's cute, little kid voice is now a thing of the past.

His voice is not the only cute little-kid-thing-of-the past. In fact, there's not much little kid left in there (notice I didn't include "cute" because, mother bias or not, I still think he's adorable!).

So, we haven't heard about Holden here in a couple years. What's Holden like at 15?

He is teenagery in that occasionally sullen with some attitude way... but, luckily not as much as it could be. I still count us among the "lucky" parents with a teenager who, for the most part, doesn't give us too much grief. While he may internally be rolling his eyes at us, he has the common sense and decency to keep whatever annoyance he feels about his parents largely to himself. He'll have bouts of quiet introspection, but he remains, in equal measure, warm, open and interested in spending time with us.

Holden is thinking about the things you'd expect an independent, bright kid to think about: driving and college. The ideas of both excite him and he is smartly focusing on these goals by getting good grades and showing responsibility. (And I say this even though he has earned the nickname "Almost" for all the times he almost finishes his chores.)

He just finished his first semester of high school with a 4.0 GPA and a seamless transition to a new school. He joined a couple clubs (Cyber Patriots, Ninth Grade Council and Chess) and just applied for the California Scholarship Foundation. Not quite sure where he'll go or what he'll do in life, but he has set a lose course toward computer science or software engineering or something like that.

He volunteers once a week as a Madrachim at Temple (in Riley's class, nonetheless) and attends Tichon. That he now voluntarily participates in religious school is nice - as I believe his connection to Judaism, the Jewish community, his heritage and all that the religion values will always provide a stable bedrock for him.

On a bittersweet note, he has hung up his soccer cleats after 10 years of AYSO. Never a star player, but always consistent and good, Holden never had much passion for the sport. Or any sport, really. As work loads and responsibilities grow, and AYSO gets more frustrating, he finally got his out.

Whenever he can, which is a lot, Holden is looking at a screen - either watching Netflix or looking at Reddit on his phone or playing video games or teaching himself coding on his computer. He still loves to read and hang out with friends - they'll go to the mall to score junk food and watch movies. He still has a big group of friends, many of whom he has known since kindergarten, and they often play video games together. They include Tyler F., Tyler S., Owen, Spencer, Tora, Nikhil, Jacob, Brecken, Vadim, Henry and Trevor. (No, still no girls :) )

As he's been since he was 4 years old, Holden is easy to be around and just generally gets it. He is confident, sarcastic and curious. His laugh still draws you in and is delightful to hear. He's become more interested in current events and politics, wanting to understand the news reports he hears and seeking out additional information on his own. If you get him in the right mood, he'll even be open to talking about things like inter-personal relationships!

The little kid qualities that remain are luckily the sweet ones. He still reaches out for hugs from his mom, although now he stands three inches taller and is the one wrapping me up - still a weird thing to experience. And, he always has Hippo nearby, either on his lap or the desk next to him while he's at the computer or draped across his neck while he lies in bed watching TV on his phone. These affectionate moments and reliance upon things that make him feel secure melt my heart and serve as sweet reminders of the sweet boy he has always been.

Dear Holden,

Independence is so close now, you can practically touch it. Surprisingly, I spend less time mourning the loss of my baby than I'd expect, as I'm so genuinely excited for you to be this much closer to realizing your dreams and charting your own path. I remember being 15 and looking forward to the freedoms that come with growing up and getting out. I am 100 percent sure that you will not take any of your opportunities for granted and that you are working hard toward your goals - and you always will.

On your 15th birthday, my wish for you is that you never lose your drive to succeed, the relationships you've built with your friends and family or your genuine Holden-ness. You are your own person. You are a leader who can go with the flow and a follower who steers the ship with common sense - even when there are temptations that can easily take you off course.

Yes, I know you're taller than me. Yes, I know you know more about computers than me. Yes, you swear like a sailor. But you will always be my cute, little kid.

I love you so much,
Mama

Holden: 13 Years (Bar Mitzvah!)

For this year's Holden Birthday Newsletter, we are following his bar mitzvah Earth Day theme and recycling the speech we read to him during the service.

(D)

Holden: Last month, Cantor Stacey called me out of the blue for no other reason than to gush about you. She was impressed by how “engaged” you were with your studies, and said you were both “interested” and “interesting.” While she’s certainly not the first of your teachers to stop me in my tracks to tell me how much they enjoy teaching you, this felt especially great. We have watched you work so hard over the years, and especially this past year, on becoming a bar mitzvah. The way you have taken on more than is expected and dedicated yourself, and your time, to studying makes us so proud.

(K)

Being proud of you is not an unusual feeling. As we’ve watched you grow, we are continually amazed by so many things about you. You’ve always worked so hard in school, earning a spot on the Honor Roll every semester in middle school. You’ve fostered fantastic friendships as evidenced by all of your friends here today. You’ve discovered a love for the outdoors with hiking, camping, rock climbing, biking and skiing. You are a trusted teammate, whether it’s in the classroom or on the soccer field. You’ve got an incredible love for your brother. You work hard to include him and to teach him important life lessons. And you’ve got determination. You’ve realized that things don’t always go your way and while you may get down for a little bit, you bounce right back trying harder than ever.

(D)

You are funny in both the goofy boy way, but also in a more grown-up, sarcastic and, occasionally, inappropriate way that we enjoy probably more than we should.You care a whole lot about your friends and your family, and you understand the importance of community connection. You are giving of your time and dedicated to helping others, as we’ve seen in your involvement with the Associated Student Body at school and willingness to volunteer at Temple. You are kind and compassionate, as shown through your Mitzvah Project helping animals at the spcaLA shelter.

(K)

It’s amazing how we held a newborn baby in our arms for the first time and it was like looking at a blank first page in a thick book of many unwritten chapters. Of course, we had our hopes and dreams for you. We looked at you and wondered: Will he be kind? Will he be smart? Will he be handsome like his father? And we worked hard every day from there trying to make you healthy, successful and happy. It’s a difficult and frustrating job, but we see now, looking at you standing here as a man, that it is possible.

(D)

You’ve come so far from that screaming baby who never wanted to be put down. All our wishes for you so far have come to be. But there is so much more ahead. So many unknowns. So many temptations. So many opportunities to veer off course from your studies or your connections to Judaism or your community. We have many more wishes for you, Holden.

 (K)

We wish for you to be bold and brave.

(D)

We wish for you to be full of love, joy and kindness.

(K)

We wish for you to discover your dreams, and follow them.

(D)

We wish for you to carry with you always the perseverance and the spirit of the generations that came before you.

(K)

We wish for you to never, ever forget that, no matter what life throws at you, we are there with you always.

(D)

We wish for you to always know how proud we are of you and how much we love you.