Holden: Four Years, Two Months

From day one, we knew that Holden was "sensitive." Quick to cry over injustices and injuries large and small, Holden feels things deeply. We've also known from very early on that Holden has a big heart. He loves to give hugs and kisses, he shares his toys with his brother and his friends and is kind to everyone. The dilemma were faced with now is how these two very prominent traits sometimes work together to form huge, debilitating freak-outs. We're not talking toddler tantrums or bouts of sadness. We're talking scream at the top of your lungs for 45 minutes, hyperventilating and missing out on the fun because of the paralyzing fear.

For the past few weeks at daycare, Holden has had huge reactions to the tiniest of bugs. He's missed out on playtime outside because he cries inconsolably at the sight of a bug. He's missed class time because one day a few weeks ago the kids thought an apple stem was a worm, and Holden is afraid to go back to the classroom because of the bugs. It all seems so silly, but to him, it's so real. We don't want to belittle his fear, but we want him to realize how unnecessary it is. We haven't figured out how to get that message through yet.

It's just so weird because there are some things he is just so brave about. He'll ride the highest ferris wheel and pedal his bike super fast away from us at the beach. But a spider 15 feet away? No way. His friends rub his back and tell him it's OK, but he just won't calm down.

We worry that his sensitivity will get him picked on, especially as he gets older and mean bullies prey on the weaker kids. We're trying to teach him to be more aggressive when he is targeted. He often complains about one kid or another at school always getting the fast scooter or the police car, even though he wanted it. Or that so-and-so wouldn't let him be "Ruke" Skywalker that day.

How do you teach kids to be aggressive, but not mean? We tell him it's nice to share and to not grab toys away from others, but what about when someone grabs a toy from him? Should he just be a doormat and let it happen, or should he stand up for himself? And if he does speak up, but it doesn't get the desired result, then what? Asking a teacher for help makes him a tattle-tale. Crying makes him a baby.

And just how far does the lesson go? We don't want to teach him to be so aggressive that he loses his sensitivity, but we don't want him to be the weak target. As Holden gets older, the stakes are only going to get higher. Children can be so cruel, and will pick on anyone who is a bit different. Holden just may stand out because of his sensitivity. The elementary school playground, the junior high school quad and the senior prom can quickly transform into any child's 9th circle of hell with one well-landed insult.

We can't protect Holden from every mean kid out there. And we truly believe that nice guys can finish first. So all we can do is tell Holden to be himself, and reassure him often that he is brave, strong and good in the hopes that his strong confidence will make up for his weaknesses. We hope to give him the tools to solve his disputes intellectually and peacefully. But just in case his adversary doesn't approach the conflict with the same level of sensitivity and level-headedness, we're also going to let him know to always punch with his thumb outside his fist and never, ever feel like he has to fight fair.