Riley: 18 Years

 The last last one.

Like with his brother, turning over the storytelling and life chronicling reins to Riley at age 18 seems like a fitting transition for a new adult. Just as in life, how Riley shares - or doesn't share - from here is his decision.

Decisions.

If Riley learned anything in the past year it's that life is really a series of decisions. Some of them are actually "right" or "wrong" (i.e. "Should I do my homework?" or "Should I do my chores now or procrastinate them until I forget about them?"). Others, though, have no clear answer - they are just decisions that must be made. These tend to be the larger choices, unfortunately, which makes them so much more difficult when the outcome isn't clear.

Riley was literally forced to make the biggest decision of his life so far this year. Luckily for him, his hard work and previous choices set him up for success no matter which way he went. Riley applied for and was accepted to nine colleges:

1. Cal Poly Humboldt
2. Cal State Chico
3. Cal State East Bay
4. CSUN
5. Fresno State
6. Cal State Bakersfield
7. CSU Channel Islands
8. Cal State L.A.
9. Cal Poly Pomona

The option to attend our local community college was also in play.

For a kid man who has a hard time deciding what to eat for dinner, this decision was absolutely overwhelming. Layer on anxiety over all the usual leaving-for-college fears and the pressure of being forced to choose, and the decision-making process for Riley became close to unbearable. Making the process even more challenging is that Riley just doesn't know what he wants to study or do professionally. It's ridiculously unfortunate that teenagers are put in the position of identifying how they'll spend the rest of their lives even before their prefrontal cortexes have finished forming.

In the fall, Riley had his sites set on Cal Poly Humboldt. A great, small school in a beautiful locale that was super far from the watchful eyes of his parents. But as the year progressed and the acceptances piled on, Riley started discussing schools closer and closer to home. After a brief period of questioning if he wanted to go away at all, A LOT of discussion and I imagine a healthy dose of self-reflection, he kinda reluctantly committed to Cal Poly Pomona.

I think he heard us when we said you never get a chance to be a college freshman in a dorm again. And while he is independent and social, those creeping anxieties seemed to be clouding his drive. But since he committed, we've only seen excitement and dedication. Sometimes, the decision itself is harder than the actual execution of it.

So now Riley is two weeks away from the start of his next chapter. He plays his emotions close to the chest but is clearly invested in making it a great experience. As long as Riley reaches for a lifeline, either through the myriad of resources available to him at CPP or to us, he has shown time and again he is capable of overcoming obstacles and succeeding.

Like most of his high school years, Riley's last one had some bumps. We're all excited to turn the page on these last chapters and look forward to a clean slate, a world of possibilities and a lifetime of pursuing his interests and passions. As I've said many times before - the more choices you have, the better chance you have at happiness. And that's all we want for our boys!

What has been great this past year is to see Riley's friendships grow stronger. He has a community of friends from school he feels connected to and spends time with and another online community that he values. 

One of his strongest, though, is his Camp JCA community. Riley worked two sessions this summer as a counselor and had the time of his life while demonstrating responsibility and commitment. He is a hard worker and recognized that it was his job to create a special time for kids - no matter how difficult that can be. He shined in his role and now, two weeks later, still shares camp stories with us and can't wait to return next year. Last night, we took him to visit camp for shabbat. When we picked him up, we watched how he interacted with abundant affection and love with his co-counselors and the campers. He is clearly loved and returns it in spades. And while he doesn't talk much anymore about turning camp into a career, I hope the idea is still percolating as an option. I've never seen him more passionate about anything (besides video games!).

I recently went back and read some of Riley's first newsletters from when he was a baby and it's amazing how small traits still show through now. As a baby, Riley was cooperative though struggled with frustration management. He remains loving, funny and polite (at age 2, he was good about saying "taahnk oooo" and "elll um"). Riley still loves dinosaurs, cats, stuffed animals and pretty, shiny things.

Dear Ra,

It seems crazy to me that you are officially an adult who is, under the law anyway, wholly responsible for yourself. I hope you know, though, that you are NEVER on your own. Everyone, no matter how old they are, needs support from those they trust and love. It can be difficult asking for help or admitting that you're struggling, but part of being an adult is recognizing not only when you need assistance, but also seeking it out before small problems become large ones. Asking for help shows you're smart. We will never judge you or embarrass you. We will only stand by you as you work through the issue.

And while I wish I didn't have to say any of that, I know enough about life to know it's full of challenges. Having a strong community and a couple of people you can rely on will bring you strength during hard times and happiness at all times. My hope for you as you start this next chapter is you keep an open mind and an open dorm room door to let in the people who will become yours. If you stay just as you are - warm, funny and welcoming - you will have no problems making fast and close friends.

You and I have spent a lot of time together the last few years. I'm sure you're looking forward to escaping my constant nagging prompting over everything from checking your email regularly to doing your homework. But I hope that, like me, you enjoyed the opportunity to chat, laugh and enjoy Gidget antics together. I can't even tell you how much I value the times you come downstairs just to tell me something funny or you share stories about camp and your friends. Your joy is infectious.

So as we send you off into the world, take with you all you've learned about being open to people and possibilities. Even if you don't say it aloud, I know you're scared. Please don't ever be afraid to reach out for anything (even for a "good night, I love you, I have sweet, sweet dreams" text). All I want is for you to succeed and feel happiness and I will do everything in my power to support you in that goal. We're here for you always, cheering you on and proud of the man you've become.

Happy 18th birthday Riley! I love you so much!!

Love,

Mom

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