Riley: 16 Years

When we picked Riley up from his last session as a camper at Camp JCA Shalom three days ago, he didn't come running to us with hugs and hellos. Instead, he made his way one by one through his group of friends and counselors. He hugged each one, told them he loved them and promised to keep in touch.

If there was ever a scene that contradicted perceived reality, this was it. After so much pandemic-induced isolation and society withdrawal by Riley, it was spectacular to see these connections shine.

While we're not out of the COVID-19 woods yet, this year offered much more normalcy. Just in time, too. Once comfortable in the new normal, Riley was able to pick up where life left off. He's built a group of friends at school he speaks of often and fondly. Always preferring in-person interactions, he opened himself up to assistance from an educational therapist, who works with him on tools like organization and motivation. He returned to in-person religious school and was confirmed with his class, all of whom he now feels closer to than he has in nearly 10 years of attending temple.

We're not in a perfect place but we are in a much, much better one. Riley worked hard at school his sophomore year and pulled off great grades. Even Honors Chemistry, which presented plenty of challenges, was a success. He is motivated and interested in learning, even if he sometimes has trouble getting his work in and studying for tests. Riley set his upcoming junior year up with huge challenges, including three Advanced Placement classes. He voluntarily took summer school to get ahead in math. Some of the organizational skills he learned during the year he was able to apply to the self-paced, online summer school program and, while still fighting procrastination nearly daily, he's working through it and on pace to finish in time.

Meanwhile, he asked to enroll in driver's education. Also self-paced and online, that's taking a while to get through. We're in no hurry for him to drive so he's not getting any pressure from us! The lure of video games, YouTube, Reddit, TV and movies are hard to resist and can stand in the way of progress on many fronts. This will be a challenge for Riley throughout his life, as it is for so many others, to find ways to resist the graphic dinosaurs and funny memes and focus on what needs to get done.

Overall, we're seeing more self-awareness when it comes to managing school and ADHD. All summer he's decided which days to medicate for summer school, when, which medicine cocktail to take and at what dose. He's enjoyed some lengthy medication vacations, too, while we were in Cancun and while he was at camp. This was his first summer at camp without meds. We usually sent them with him to help curb the impulse control issues he had as a kid that manifested as behavioral issues. Without his meds, Riley is extra energetic and goofy - all good camp traits! The benefit of taking breaks is that he's able to eat more and more often, as the medications kill his appetite. He is looking healthy for the first time since he was a baby! He's also really tall (5'10"), so I'm constantly surprised at just how big my baby has become! This also means he's in the kitchen constantly making third breakfast or first lunch. He loves his carbs but understands the importance of nutrients and protein and makes a small effort of including those.

All the great Ra traits are still there: Super cuddly and affectionate, happy-go-lucky most of the time, easy to get along with. All those not-so-great Ra traits we used to contend with regularly? Not so much. Last September we had a particularly terrible drive to Arizona in which he was hungry and frustrated and I seriously don't know how the family survived that car ride. Nearly a year later and we never again saw that kind of lengthy, angry outburst. We had two large family vacations this year to Utah and Cancun and they both went off without any hitches. On both trips, he overcame fears and rose to some physical and mental challenges, including SCUBA diving, parasailing and rappelling.

We're also seeing a lot more independence. Everyone in this family is always thankful for a few hours alone in the house since it's such a rarity now between quarantines and the kids and I working a lot from home in recent years. Riley cherishes his alone time, too, with uninterrupted access to the living room TV and kitchen. We left him alone for one night while we went on a college visit in the spring and will do so again for a few nights when we take Holden to UC Santa Cruz next month. I have no worries about his being alone and caring for himself. I'm proud of his independence and how brave he seems compared to the little kid he once was who was afraid to be alone.

People often ask Riley how he feels about Holden heading off for college soon. He sort of shrugs and says he doesn't think things will be that different. Yes and no. While they are close and get along well, they don't hang out a lot. Despite rooms next to each other, they can sometimes go days without crossing paths. I think it will hit him after a few weeks that it's really been a long time since he's seen Holden and he'll miss him. I hope they stay in touch with each other when Holden is gone and continue fostering what is arguably one of the most important relationships they'll ever have.

Dear Riley,

For the second time, I am watching a son grow more independent and closer to childhood's end. It's such a bittersweet time as a parent, but also exciting. I am so curious to see where your story goes. You're on the precipice of some big decisions about your future and I hope you see how many opportunities you are creating for yourself with your drive to succeed and the connections you're building to your community.

Asking for help and self-advocating are still difficult for you. But, as life gets even more challenging, I hope you'll embrace the team we've built to support you and, importantly, cheer you on. You're the captain of that team and we see you learning to lead it with diligence and good nature. My hope for you as you enter your 17th year and your junior year of high school is that you lean on this team when you need it. Whether it's something as simple as helping study for an exam, reviewing an essay or checking in with the professional team members on bigger issues like anxiety and motivation, please know Team Riley is always here to help you score!

We like having conversations with you at the dinner table where we talk about anything from the latest Marvel movie to politics. Your opinions and insight matter and we always want to hear what you have to say. We like that you're funny and enjoy making people laugh. We like that you want to cuddle and hug us good-night every night. You are your own person and we appreciate that so much.

We genuinely love you because everything about you is genuine. Stay true and real to yourself and your life will be full of people that like and love you as much (well, nearly as much) as we do!

Happy Sweet 16 Sweet Ra!

Love, 

Mama

Holden: High School Graduation

I'm both a sentimental sap and a super proud mom, so here is where you're going to get a heavy dose of both.

I never thought it would be possible to feel such a wide range of emotions at any given moment. I know what I'm feeling is not unique: parents have always discussed the bittersweetness that comes with children reaching milestones, especially big ones like high school graduation. But here we are.

For the last few months and weeks I've watched as Holden plowed quickly ahead, checking off each high school senior moment. Prom, grad night and award ceremony after award ceremony. Turns out, you never get tired of watching your kid (and his friends) on stage accepting accolades for their achievements. For example:

Receiving his Academic Pin (meaning he received an Academic Letter his junior year and maintained above a 3.5 weighted grade point average for six cumulative semesters):

With Mr. Brown, Assistant Principal

Tyler Fujikawa, Tora Matsuda, Jacob Owens and Holden

Receiving two PTA Scholarships from his elementary and middle schools:

Principal Anthony Bridi, the PTA President and RBUSD Superintendent Steven Keller

Holden, Brecken, Tyler, Tora and James

Receiving recognition for Project Lead the Way for completing the Digital Electronics Path:

Receiving a scholarship from Leadership Hermosa Beach for his essay on leadership, in which he talked about lessons he learned about how to be a good leader from his job at Starbucks:

With Miguel Mier

With Maya Williams

These were in addition to the gold tassel and cords he received for being a member of the California Scholarship Federation for his grades and citizenship. When all was said and done, Holden's Redondo Union High School diploma, which carries the Golden State Seal for Merit, was based on a cumulative weighted GPA of 4.28.

That just about covers the Proud Mama part. 

While I'm in constant awe of his dedication and achievements, the emotions of the finality of these moments keep passing over me in strong waves. I fought back tears as Holden and Riley left for school together for the last time after heading out together almost every day for many, many years.

It feels so real. He will never have to go to school again, it's all his choice from here on out. He will never go to school with his brother again. He will be moving in just a few months for UC Santa Cruz, leaving behind an empty bedroom and a void in my heart.

Of all the emotions I'm feeling around Holden's graduation, the one that keeps rising to the top is gratitude. I am so thankful for his hard work, dedication and self-driven achievements, and for his being a kind, sensitive and thoughtful man. I am so lucky to be his mama.

Senior portrait photo shoot:

Holden: 18 Years

 The last one.

I've been thinking about how it would feel to write this last birthday update for Holden after doing one every year since he was very little, and even more when he was even littler. But 18 years old seems like a good time to stop. It's time to hand over to Holden ownership of his story. It's now his to tell.

I recently asked Holden if he ever thought of life as chapters or parts in a book. He had not, which goes to show how few chapters he's lived and how many more are left in his story. I told him that, if his life were a book, he would be on the final pages of Life Part I.

Life for Holden right now is all about Life Part II. He is 34 days from College Decision Day and that is weighing heavy on his mind. It's such a strange phenomenon to not know where your life will go in just 6 short months. For those keeping score at home, here's what he's got:

Accepted

• UC Santa Cruz
• University of Arizona
• University of Illinois-Urbana Champaign
• University of Colorado, Boulder

Wait Listed

• UC San Diego

Schools That Don't Know What They're Missing

• University of Washington
• UCLA
• UC Berkeley
• Cal Tech

We visited The U of A last September and he really liked it and could see himself there. They were generous with their offer, bringing the price to be comparable to the UC schools. We visited UCSD recently - the same day he heard back from them. We're going to UCSC later this week.

He may not fall in love with any school campus, and I think he is aware of that. His decision-making process is very Holden: Which academic program will he get the most out of? Bang for buck? How does it feel to be on campus? Which AP and Community College credits will transfer?

Wherever he decides to go, I have no doubt that he will thrive and succeed. He has prepared for Life Part II diligently and thoughtfully for years now. He has worked so hard in school and his grades reflect his commitment. He knows how proud we are of all he has accomplished. We can't wait to see how Life Part II, and all the other parts, play out.

Meanwhile, he's admirably battling a wicked case of senioritis. He has a funky schedule at school this year with four classes: Periods 2, 4, 5 and 6. So, two days a week, because of blocked scheduling, he only goes to school for one class for a couple hours. He continues to take a couple classes a semester at El Camino Community College.

Holden is also a Starbucks "partner" (i.e. barista, cashier and janitor) at the Del Amo Mall. The experience has been very good for him. He enjoys going to work, even on days when there are lines out the door with teenagers ordering Frappuccino after Frappuccino with a broken ice machine. He is creating quite a nest egg for himself to help with college while leaning into a fabulous work ethic.

Being on the other side of pandemic lockdowns is giving him more opportunities to hang out with friends. He's one of only a couple with a driver's license and always trying to rally the pals out the door.

This year included his first car accident (he was fine; the 4Runner was not), the shedding of bedtimes (I sometimes hear the TV on in the living room at 1 a.m.), solo clothes shopping trips and, of course, lots of videos and video games.

My favorite times with Holden are when he is in a chatty mood. Sometimes he lingers at the dinner table with Kevin and me, talking about everything from school to college to physics to politics to his friends. He is interesting and insightful. He is super easy to be around. It was just he and I on the UCSD trip - our first time traveling alone together - and I genuinely enjoyed his company and found him to be a flexible and adventurous travel partner. He is a healthy mix of outgoing and introverted and is kind and thoughtful. He is super responsible, even though he doesn't always take chores to completion, earning him the nickname "Almost." 

Life will be very different without him around every day. I can't wait to hear all his stories.

Dear Holden,

The other day you came bursting in the door after school as you eagerly tapped through on the last college decision email that just arrived. You came to my side so we could read the letter together, my hand on your wrist as you held the phone. While the decision was not a surprise to you, there was some disappointment in your gait for a few minutes. It wasn't long before you realized, though, that you now have all the information you need to make a real choice. It's been a long one coming and yet it seems you only have such a short time to decide. There are no wrong choices, as wherever you decide to go you will learn, grow and have fun because when you set your mind to something, you make it happen.

I know you know this but it's hard for me to think about you leaving. For so long, I prided myself in being that parent who, honestly, couldn't wait for her kids to gain independence so I could reclaim mine. Before having kids, the idea of giving so much of my freedom and time to help someone else seemed terrible. Then, you get into it for real, with weekends filled with driving kids to birthday parties and soccer games and you find happiness in your children's happiness but... well, yeah, you look forward to that slog ending. What's giving me the sad feels is thinking about not having you here each day. I'll miss hearing about your day and talking with you about everything and nothing.

On nights that you work late you always come in and sit on the side of my bed for a few minutes. By then, your dad and Riley are asleep and it's just the two of us touching base for a few minutes in the quiet. As the smell of coffee wafts from your body, you talk about the shift, telling me funny stories. It's also a chance to check in on what's coming up the next day - tests or doctor's appointments. It's mundane but it's special. It's those moments and so many like it that make my heart hurt when I think about them disappearing.

For your 18th birthday, you want to skydive. You seemed a little hesitant to tell me because you didn't want me to worry. The thing is, I will always worry as much as I never worry when it comes to you. You are solid. You are smart, strong, stable and sure of yourself. While I'll never step out of a flying plane with you, I will always ask if you have a parachute. It's your time to fly. I'll be waiting on the ground to hug you when you return.

Happy 18th Birthday my Holden. I love you more than you could ever know.

Love,

Mama