Have you ever met "Other Riley?" See ... there is this Other Riley who does things like whine about what's for dinner and refuse to help out around the house. Luckily, that's not the real Riley. The real Riley doesn't whine about what's for dinner and LOVES to help around the house. The real Riley is the Riley that causes teachers to pull parents aside at pick up and gush about what a great kid he is and how they wish all the kids in their class were just like him. The real Riley always asks how your day went and will be the first to comfort you if you're hurt.
Have I told you how much I love that Riley?
It's not always possible for the real Riley to hang with us. But, more and more, we're seeing him come around. The real Riley had a pretty great 2nd grade year. He got high marks on his report card in all subjects and absolutely excelled at reading. He is plowing through the Harry Potter series. He's still struggling with time tests and never got that pesky multiplication table memorized. Unfortunately, Other Riley tends to show up in evenings when we're all back together after a long day, so it's hard to get a lot of work done.
He also advanced through the martial arts ranks. It was clear, though, that it was starting to bore him a bit and he decided to take a break from it when summer started. After a several year hiatus, he returned to swim lessons. Before, he was pretty unteachable and we decided to stop throwing our time and money down the drain. But in just a few short lessons this summer, he's water safe and confident in the pool and even the ocean. This fall, he'll give soccer another go after not playing for a couple years. It takes a commitment to teamwork we were afraid he didn't have before, but think he gets now.
It's interesting to see all the ways he is, and is capable of being independent - and yet he still depends on and demands from us so much attention and help. We struggle with his always wanting more and not taking "no" for an answer. Bedtime has become an ordeal with him calling me back in most nights because he's scared or can't sleep. Many nights, he calls for me in the middle of the night - several times - because he can't sleep. By that 3rd or 4th time, I know I become the only scary thing about what's happening in the dark.
I recently started reading (but never completed) a book about "explosive children." The descriptions of the scenarios were hauntingly familiar. The author (a doctor) said kids who explode usually do so because of "frustration intolerance." That describes Riley perfectly. It's hard being a kid and always being told what to do and when to do it and how to do it ... I get it. It's frustrating. There's a lot about life that's just plain frustrating. Most of us learn, though, to tolerate it. Others ... not so much. The book has ways of dealing with it, which includes several steps like showing empathy by repeating the problem back to the kid. Riley, though, got frustrated with that step, yelling with frustration through his tears of frustration: "Why do you keep repeating everything I say?!"
Frustrated, I stopped reading that book.
Riley's in that strange place somewhere between being a big kid and a little kid. As he continues to grow and learn, he's definitely learning more about himself and the world. I still find it amazing how he can be so sharp one moment and completely oblivious the next. What's nice, though, is so much of the things that annoy us and make us angry are, simply, things kids his age do. ADHD still factors into our life, but we manage it with medicine, consequences and understanding, when possible. Medication doesn't make Other Riley disappear, but that's good. We need Other Riley to remind us how great Riley is.
Dear RaRa,
You often say, "You're my best mom because you're my only mom." Even though it really doesn't sound like it, I know you do mean it as the highest compliment. It's your own way of telling me you love me, and I appreciate that more than you can ever know.
Even with your challenges, I know none of your words or actions are done to hurt. You don't hurl insults or tell us you hate us - even in your most frustrated moments. For that, I am grateful. I know your explosions come from a place you don't even like and have a hard time controlling. It may seem like no one understands, but, believe me, we do. I wish I had more patience when we reach these impasses, and I'm truly sorry we don't always handle these moments with a little more understanding.
We continue to learn from each other every time we survive an meltdown. For instance, I've learned that sometimes you just need a break from the demands and the yelling. I try hard to give these to you - even when you don't realize you need them either. I'm always so amazed at how you can regroup even after the most drawn-out and awful fights. Other Riley can quickly retreat. I just wish Other Mama went away as fast.
You are a good friend with a big heart who loves with every ounce of your being. It can sometimes be overbearing and overwhelming, but it is amazing how - despite the frustration and the hurdles - you always come out on the other side full of love, compassion and warmth. You are funny and fun and you are my love.
Good night, I love you, have sweet, sweet dreams.
Happy 8th Birthday!
I love you,
Mama
