One thing at a time, though. First, the job.
To bring you up to speed, here is what I wrote to the Daily Breeze readers to explain the change. Here is how I explained it to my colleagues:
It’s hard to look back at 25 years of goal-directed behavior and decide to veer off path. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a newspaper reporter. And, for the last 15 years, I’ve been living that dream. But, like all good dreams, you have to wake up some time, and face reality.
My reality now is two young boys who deserve to have their own dreams fulfilled, whatever they may be. For the last few years, like almost every reporter I know, I’ve existed under a cloud of uncertainty. The lack of job security hangs over my dream, and my children’s future dreams, like a dark, thunderous cloud ready to strike unexpectedly. Like a nightmare.
Most the time, despite the stress, it’s a lot of fun. I love the thrill of a breaking news story, everyone hunkered down trying to figure out who the killer is and why he did what he did. I love the thrill of watching justice served in emotional courtroom dramas. I love being in the newsroom, filled with funny, smart, dramatic, entertaining and supportive people. But there are many days when the unpredictability, deadline pressure, lack of resources and mean-spirited user comments take their toll. When those days began to outnumber the others, I knew it was time for a change.I'm now two days into my new job as a writer/editor in the public affairs department of First 5 L.A. I can't say I love it ... yet. I can say it doesn't suck. I wish I can say the move has brought me a windfall of extra income. It has brought me a change of direction and pace when I needed it, and it feels kinda good to be out of my comfort zone. I feel secure for the future for now. Change is hard and this one didn't come without a lot of tears and debate. Down moments last weekend were sometimes met with panic. I hoped I made the right choice. I don't know yet if I have - I believe time will tell. But I feel at peace with my decision, and I'm gonna just go with that for now. I've received lots of wonderful support from Kevin and many friends, colleagues, professional contacts and family members - and that means more than I could ever say.
I will always believe in newspapers, especially scrappy ones like the Daily Breeze, where a team of reporters and editors are working their asses off to do real good journalism under less than ideal conditions. I would be lying if I said I don’t feel guilt and am undergoing a bit of an identity crisis. But this just feels like the right move, at the right time
There are, of course, trade offs. Putting aside the whole journalism thing, the other hard part is the commute to downtown L.A. Which means Kevin is point parent for pick-up after school, and most nights I won't be home until around 6:30 - an hour later than before. Which means, every week, this already guilt-ridden, full-time job mommy is spending five hours less with her kids than before.
Today was Holden's first day of first grade. When I came in and asked, while he was eating dinner, how the first day was, he replied: "I already told Dad." Sniff.
Then came the rush-rush of finish dinner, homework, baths and bed. Finally, through heavy eyelids and with an exhausted voice, he told me about his day, where he sat in the classroom and that his teacher, Ms. Laster, seems nice.
With new beginnings - be it a job, soccer season or school year - comes the inevitable sense that things are changing (and an endless wave of emergency contact forms to fill out). Change is scary and hard, and this week so far has proven that. But with change comes excitement, challenge and learning. I think we're ready.
