Holden: 18 Years

 The last one.

I've been thinking about how it would feel to write this last birthday update for Holden after doing one every year since he was very little, and even more when he was even littler. But 18 years old seems like a good time to stop. It's time to hand over to Holden ownership of his story. It's now his to tell.

I recently asked Holden if he ever thought of life as chapters or parts in a book. He had not, which goes to show how few chapters he's lived and how many more are left in his story. I told him that, if his life were a book, he would be on the final pages of Life Part I.

Life for Holden right now is all about Life Part II. He is 34 days from College Decision Day and that is weighing heavy on his mind. It's such a strange phenomenon to not know where your life will go in just 6 short months. For those keeping score at home, here's what he's got:

Accepted

• UC Santa Cruz
• University of Arizona
• University of Illinois-Urbana Champaign
• University of Colorado, Boulder

Wait Listed

• UC San Diego

Schools That Don't Know What They're Missing

• University of Washington
• UCLA
• UC Berkeley
• Cal Tech

We visited The U of A last September and he really liked it and could see himself there. They were generous with their offer, bringing the price to be comparable to the UC schools. We visited UCSD recently - the same day he heard back from them. We're going to UCSC later this week.

He may not fall in love with any school campus, and I think he is aware of that. His decision-making process is very Holden: Which academic program will he get the most out of? Bang for buck? How does it feel to be on campus? Which AP and Community College credits will transfer?

Wherever he decides to go, I have no doubt that he will thrive and succeed. He has prepared for Life Part II diligently and thoughtfully for years now. He has worked so hard in school and his grades reflect his commitment. He knows how proud we are of all he has accomplished. We can't wait to see how Life Part II, and all the other parts, play out.

Meanwhile, he's admirably battling a wicked case of senioritis. He has a funky schedule at school this year with four classes: Periods 2, 4, 5 and 6. So, two days a week, because of blocked scheduling, he only goes to school for one class for a couple hours. He continues to take a couple classes a semester at El Camino Community College.

Holden is also a Starbucks "partner" (i.e. barista, cashier and janitor) at the Del Amo Mall. The experience has been very good for him. He enjoys going to work, even on days when there are lines out the door with teenagers ordering Frappuccino after Frappuccino with a broken ice machine. He is creating quite a nest egg for himself to help with college while leaning into a fabulous work ethic.

Being on the other side of pandemic lockdowns is giving him more opportunities to hang out with friends. He's one of only a couple with a driver's license and always trying to rally the pals out the door.

This year included his first car accident (he was fine; the 4Runner was not), the shedding of bedtimes (I sometimes hear the TV on in the living room at 1 a.m.), solo clothes shopping trips and, of course, lots of videos and video games.

My favorite times with Holden are when he is in a chatty mood. Sometimes he lingers at the dinner table with Kevin and me, talking about everything from school to college to physics to politics to his friends. He is interesting and insightful. He is super easy to be around. It was just he and I on the UCSD trip - our first time traveling alone together - and I genuinely enjoyed his company and found him to be a flexible and adventurous travel partner. He is a healthy mix of outgoing and introverted and is kind and thoughtful. He is super responsible, even though he doesn't always take chores to completion, earning him the nickname "Almost." 

Life will be very different without him around every day. I can't wait to hear all his stories.

Dear Holden,

The other day you came bursting in the door after school as you eagerly tapped through on the last college decision email that just arrived. You came to my side so we could read the letter together, my hand on your wrist as you held the phone. While the decision was not a surprise to you, there was some disappointment in your gait for a few minutes. It wasn't long before you realized, though, that you now have all the information you need to make a real choice. It's been a long one coming and yet it seems you only have such a short time to decide. There are no wrong choices, as wherever you decide to go you will learn, grow and have fun because when you set your mind to something, you make it happen.

I know you know this but it's hard for me to think about you leaving. For so long, I prided myself in being that parent who, honestly, couldn't wait for her kids to gain independence so I could reclaim mine. Before having kids, the idea of giving so much of my freedom and time to help someone else seemed terrible. Then, you get into it for real, with weekends filled with driving kids to birthday parties and soccer games and you find happiness in your children's happiness but... well, yeah, you look forward to that slog ending. What's giving me the sad feels is thinking about not having you here each day. I'll miss hearing about your day and talking with you about everything and nothing.

On nights that you work late you always come in and sit on the side of my bed for a few minutes. By then, your dad and Riley are asleep and it's just the two of us touching base for a few minutes in the quiet. As the smell of coffee wafts from your body, you talk about the shift, telling me funny stories. It's also a chance to check in on what's coming up the next day - tests or doctor's appointments. It's mundane but it's special. It's those moments and so many like it that make my heart hurt when I think about them disappearing.

For your 18th birthday, you want to skydive. You seemed a little hesitant to tell me because you didn't want me to worry. The thing is, I will always worry as much as I never worry when it comes to you. You are solid. You are smart, strong, stable and sure of yourself. While I'll never step out of a flying plane with you, I will always ask if you have a parachute. It's your time to fly. I'll be waiting on the ground to hug you when you return.

Happy 18th Birthday my Holden. I love you more than you could ever know.

Love,

Mama