Riley: 18 Years

 The last last one.

Like with his brother, turning over the storytelling and life chronicling reins to Riley at age 18 seems like a fitting transition for a new adult. Just as in life, how Riley shares - or doesn't share - from here is his decision.

Decisions.

If Riley learned anything in the past year it's that life is really a series of decisions. Some of them are actually "right" or "wrong" (i.e. "Should I do my homework?" or "Should I do my chores now or procrastinate them until I forget about them?"). Others, though, have no clear answer - they are just decisions that must be made. These tend to be the larger choices, unfortunately, which makes them so much more difficult when the outcome isn't clear.

Riley was literally forced to make the biggest decision of his life so far this year. Luckily for him, his hard work and previous choices set him up for success no matter which way he went. Riley applied for and was accepted to nine colleges:

1. Cal Poly Humboldt
2. Cal State Chico
3. Cal State East Bay
4. CSUN
5. Fresno State
6. Cal State Bakersfield
7. CSU Channel Islands
8. Cal State L.A.
9. Cal Poly Pomona

The option to attend our local community college was also in play.

For a kid man who has a hard time deciding what to eat for dinner, this decision was absolutely overwhelming. Layer on anxiety over all the usual leaving-for-college fears and the pressure of being forced to choose, and the decision-making process for Riley became close to unbearable. Making the process even more challenging is that Riley just doesn't know what he wants to study or do professionally. It's ridiculously unfortunate that teenagers are put in the position of identifying how they'll spend the rest of their lives even before their prefrontal cortexes have finished forming.

In the fall, Riley had his sites set on Cal Poly Humboldt. A great, small school in a beautiful locale that was super far from the watchful eyes of his parents. But as the year progressed and the acceptances piled on, Riley started discussing schools closer and closer to home. After a brief period of questioning if he wanted to go away at all, A LOT of discussion and I imagine a healthy dose of self-reflection, he kinda reluctantly committed to Cal Poly Pomona.

I think he heard us when we said you never get a chance to be a college freshman in a dorm again. And while he is independent and social, those creeping anxieties seemed to be clouding his drive. But since he committed, we've only seen excitement and dedication. Sometimes, the decision itself is harder than the actual execution of it.

So now Riley is two weeks away from the start of his next chapter. He plays his emotions close to the chest but is clearly invested in making it a great experience. As long as Riley reaches for a lifeline, either through the myriad of resources available to him at CPP or to us, he has shown time and again he is capable of overcoming obstacles and succeeding.

Like most of his high school years, Riley's last one had some bumps. We're all excited to turn the page on these last chapters and look forward to a clean slate, a world of possibilities and a lifetime of pursuing his interests and passions. As I've said many times before - the more choices you have, the better chance you have at happiness. And that's all we want for our boys!

What has been great this past year is to see Riley's friendships grow stronger. He has a community of friends from school he feels connected to and spends time with and another online community that he values. 

One of his strongest, though, is his Camp JCA community. Riley worked two sessions this summer as a counselor and had the time of his life while demonstrating responsibility and commitment. He is a hard worker and recognized that it was his job to create a special time for kids - no matter how difficult that can be. He shined in his role and now, two weeks later, still shares camp stories with us and can't wait to return next year. Last night, we took him to visit camp for shabbat. When we picked him up, we watched how he interacted with abundant affection and love with his co-counselors and the campers. He is clearly loved and returns it in spades. And while he doesn't talk much anymore about turning camp into a career, I hope the idea is still percolating as an option. I've never seen him more passionate about anything (besides video games!).

I recently went back and read some of Riley's first newsletters from when he was a baby and it's amazing how small traits still show through now. As a baby, Riley was cooperative though struggled with frustration management. He remains loving, funny and polite (at age 2, he was good about saying "taahnk oooo" and "elll um"). Riley still loves dinosaurs, cats, stuffed animals and pretty, shiny things.

Dear Ra,

It seems crazy to me that you are officially an adult who is, under the law anyway, wholly responsible for yourself. I hope you know, though, that you are NEVER on your own. Everyone, no matter how old they are, needs support from those they trust and love. It can be difficult asking for help or admitting that you're struggling, but part of being an adult is recognizing not only when you need assistance, but also seeking it out before small problems become large ones. Asking for help shows you're smart. We will never judge you or embarrass you. We will only stand by you as you work through the issue.

And while I wish I didn't have to say any of that, I know enough about life to know it's full of challenges. Having a strong community and a couple of people you can rely on will bring you strength during hard times and happiness at all times. My hope for you as you start this next chapter is you keep an open mind and an open dorm room door to let in the people who will become yours. If you stay just as you are - warm, funny and welcoming - you will have no problems making fast and close friends.

You and I have spent a lot of time together the last few years. I'm sure you're looking forward to escaping my constant nagging prompting over everything from checking your email regularly to doing your homework. But I hope that, like me, you enjoyed the opportunity to chat, laugh and enjoy Gidget antics together. I can't even tell you how much I value the times you come downstairs just to tell me something funny or you share stories about camp and your friends. Your joy is infectious.

So as we send you off into the world, take with you all you've learned about being open to people and possibilities. Even if you don't say it aloud, I know you're scared. Please don't ever be afraid to reach out for anything (even for a "good night, I love you, I have sweet, sweet dreams" text). All I want is for you to succeed and feel happiness and I will do everything in my power to support you in that goal. We're here for you always, cheering you on and proud of the man you've become.

Happy 18th birthday Riley! I love you so much!!

Love,

Mom

P.S. Don't forget to vote!

Riley: 17 Years

Like so many birthdays before, Riley is spending his 17th birthday at Camp JCA Shalom. But this camp birthday and entire camp experience is like none before. Riley has spent his entire summer at camp, first as a counselor in training for two sessions and now as a full-fledged counselor for the last two-week session. He is living with, responsible for, and making magic for a group of 2nd-4th grade boys.

So far, his entire CIT experience has been truly transformative. Taking a bunch of soon-to-be high school seniors and teaching them effective "parenting" skills, how to put others' needs before your own and the appropriate ways to deal with problem behaviors - all while keeping things fun and energetic is no easy feat. But Camp JCA has done just that with Riley and his CIT group, many of whom he has grown close with and I'm hopeful he will be lifelong friends with.

Having been a camper, and then a counselor, myself, I know that it is kinda impossible to describe how important and meaningful the camp experience is. In his brief visits home this summer, Riley has talked about bonding with fellow CITs, staff and campers - as he does every summer. But he's also talked about the importance of inclusion, using positive reinforcement for good behavioral outcomes and favorite campers because they are sweet and put all their trust in their counselors. Riley sees things differently now and is much more attuned to how his reactions and interventions can impact others. Riley has always been empathetic and caring, but this takes things to a new level.

Despite only weeks away from his senior year, Riley still doesn't talk much about what's next in terms of college or what he wants to do with his life. For the first time, though, I saw a spark as he discussed the possibility of making a career out of camp. To say I love this for him is an understatement. Will it stick? Who knows. As always, though, my only concern is that Riley finds opportunities for a life of happiness, which includes finding a profession that makes him feel satisfied and happy to get out of bed each day.

In addition to camp just being fabulous camp, it's also been a great break from both school and screens -two things that have been in abundance in Riley's life this past year.

He challenged himself with three Advanced Placement classes and a pretty serious class load. For most of the year, he chugged along just fine despite the pressure and work. Then, as these things happen with Riley, the wheels sort of came off that train mid-way through the spring semester and he was in very dangerous territory grade-wise. Riley has learned so much in recent years about ways to motivate himself, be organized and act as his own advocate. None of those things were coming into play and we had to intervene. It was a stressful time as we determined ways to help him course-correct. In the end, we came up with a plan that included his providing us a daily summary of his assignments and grades and dedicating two hours each day to schoolwork (with his door open). Honestly, one of the things that stressed me out about this situation, in addition to the prospect of him needing to make up credits in summer school, was how he'd react when we laid down the new rules. To Riley's immense credit, he took it in stride. We had a calm, productive conversation where he offered feedback and compromises until we landed on a plan that worked for us all. Whether it was the fresh parental oversight or the help to get focused and organized, the plan worked and Riley finished the semester strong.

Riley also had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity this year to travel to Washington, D.C. with his confirmation class as part of the Religious Action Center L'Taken seminar. There, he learned about social justice issues and how to be an advocate for change. He and his group spent the day on Capital Hill delivering speeches about legislation that can make meaningful changes in people's lives. He found his voice that weekend and received valuable lessons about politics and how to make a difference.

As mentioned above, screens still play a large role in Riley's life. From video games with friends to binging television shows on his phone in his dark room, Riley - like most teenagers and even adults - has a hard time breaking away from the lure of other worlds and stories. 

His friend group at school has become solid and they get together occasionally outside of school to play board games. It's so nice to see him in a group and I hope that, with all the senior year activities coming their way, they'll grow even more social and seek out adventures together away from their screens.

Through it all, Riley remains goofy, kind and affectionate. He is helpful (with a little reminding), understands the importance of doing his part and remains ready to help out any neighbor with pet sitting when needed! He has his own ideas about how to run his life and asserts his independence strongly - often opting out of activities or restaurant dinners to have more time to himself. He checks in regularly, though, and prefers to not go to sleep until we say: "Good night, I love you, have sweet, sweet dreams."

Senior year holds a lot of changes for Riley. When he returns from camp he'll focus on getting a job. He may also have the opportunity to work weekends at camp staffing various retreats held during the year. He'll also take a class or two at the community college, so he'll have shorter days on the high school campus. The big question is: Will he drive? After asking to be signed up for Driver's Ed and Driver Training, Riley lost interest and motivation. I then learned that the Driver Training course expires after a year, so I was able to beg for a year extension. Riley knows he must finish Driver's Ed, get his permit and start Training soon after returning from camp or he's going to pay us back for the course! My hope is that the prospect of driving himself to camp next year, and being able to leave camp on his day off, will motivate him, to do so!

In general, Riley rolls through life without much drama. Holden's absence in the house doesn't seem to impact him much, though I can tell he looks forward to seeing his brother when he's home. Time together as Team Nix is scarce these days, but even when the four of us go out to dinner together it's a special time. Riley visited Holden in Santa Cruz for a night, sleeping in Holden's dorm room and getting a great taste of what college life is like. He also conquered some anxiety by flying alone. There were learning experiences in both of these that he'll take with him always (including listening to the announcements at the airport and double-checking what gate your flight is leaving from!).

Each challenge overcome sets Riley up for more success. It's hard to picture him a year from now as an adult prepping for the next chapter in college. But with each year comes more dramatic transformation and maturity. He's always surprising us and I can't wait to see what comes next!

Dear Riley,

This morning I saw a photo of you at camp. It was the first day of session three and you were standing in front of probably 100 people leading songs with energy and a smile. For someone who shies away from public speaking and doesn't even like talking to the checker at Target, this is a big accomplishment. I know it takes you out of your comfort zone, but I also know that being a camp counselor brings you places you never thought you'd go. I've told you this emphatically when you were home between sessions, but it's worth repeating: I am so proud of you!

I see you making good choices. I see you caring about others. I see you caring about your own future. I see your confidence growing with each passing year. I see all of you and who you've become: A kind, loving, smart and funny near-adult who has so much to offer.

You have some big decisions to make this year. I know you have a hard time talking about what's next because you don't like the pressure and it's hard not really knowing. Please know we try hard to not pressure you and we ask to have these conversations because we care and want to help as much as you'll let us. We are still and will always be on Team Riley!

Whatever you decide and wherever you go, I am sure your journey will be great and you will find happiness at your destination. That path is still a little foggy, but each step brings you closer to the sunlight where I know you will shine!

I love you so, so much. Happy birthday my Ra!

Love,

Mama

Riley: 16 Years

When we picked Riley up from his last session as a camper at Camp JCA Shalom three days ago, he didn't come running to us with hugs and hellos. Instead, he made his way one by one through his group of friends and counselors. He hugged each one, told them he loved them and promised to keep in touch.

If there was ever a scene that contradicted perceived reality, this was it. After so much pandemic-induced isolation and society withdrawal by Riley, it was spectacular to see these connections shine.

While we're not out of the COVID-19 woods yet, this year offered much more normalcy. Just in time, too. Once comfortable in the new normal, Riley was able to pick up where life left off. He's built a group of friends at school he speaks of often and fondly. Always preferring in-person interactions, he opened himself up to assistance from an educational therapist, who works with him on tools like organization and motivation. He returned to in-person religious school and was confirmed with his class, all of whom he now feels closer to than he has in nearly 10 years of attending temple.

We're not in a perfect place but we are in a much, much better one. Riley worked hard at school his sophomore year and pulled off great grades. Even Honors Chemistry, which presented plenty of challenges, was a success. He is motivated and interested in learning, even if he sometimes has trouble getting his work in and studying for tests. Riley set his upcoming junior year up with huge challenges, including three Advanced Placement classes. He voluntarily took summer school to get ahead in math. Some of the organizational skills he learned during the year he was able to apply to the self-paced, online summer school program and, while still fighting procrastination nearly daily, he's working through it and on pace to finish in time.

Meanwhile, he asked to enroll in driver's education. Also self-paced and online, that's taking a while to get through. We're in no hurry for him to drive so he's not getting any pressure from us! The lure of video games, YouTube, Reddit, TV and movies are hard to resist and can stand in the way of progress on many fronts. This will be a challenge for Riley throughout his life, as it is for so many others, to find ways to resist the graphic dinosaurs and funny memes and focus on what needs to get done.

Overall, we're seeing more self-awareness when it comes to managing school and ADHD. All summer he's decided which days to medicate for summer school, when, which medicine cocktail to take and at what dose. He's enjoyed some lengthy medication vacations, too, while we were in Cancun and while he was at camp. This was his first summer at camp without meds. We usually sent them with him to help curb the impulse control issues he had as a kid that manifested as behavioral issues. Without his meds, Riley is extra energetic and goofy - all good camp traits! The benefit of taking breaks is that he's able to eat more and more often, as the medications kill his appetite. He is looking healthy for the first time since he was a baby! He's also really tall (5'10"), so I'm constantly surprised at just how big my baby has become! This also means he's in the kitchen constantly making third breakfast or first lunch. He loves his carbs but understands the importance of nutrients and protein and makes a small effort of including those.

All the great Ra traits are still there: Super cuddly and affectionate, happy-go-lucky most of the time, easy to get along with. All those not-so-great Ra traits we used to contend with regularly? Not so much. Last September we had a particularly terrible drive to Arizona in which he was hungry and frustrated and I seriously don't know how the family survived that car ride. Nearly a year later and we never again saw that kind of lengthy, angry outburst. We had two large family vacations this year to Utah and Cancun and they both went off without any hitches. On both trips, he overcame fears and rose to some physical and mental challenges, including SCUBA diving, parasailing and rappelling.

We're also seeing a lot more independence. Everyone in this family is always thankful for a few hours alone in the house since it's such a rarity now between quarantines and the kids and I working a lot from home in recent years. Riley cherishes his alone time, too, with uninterrupted access to the living room TV and kitchen. We left him alone for one night while we went on a college visit in the spring and will do so again for a few nights when we take Holden to UC Santa Cruz next month. I have no worries about his being alone and caring for himself. I'm proud of his independence and how brave he seems compared to the little kid he once was who was afraid to be alone.

People often ask Riley how he feels about Holden heading off for college soon. He sort of shrugs and says he doesn't think things will be that different. Yes and no. While they are close and get along well, they don't hang out a lot. Despite rooms next to each other, they can sometimes go days without crossing paths. I think it will hit him after a few weeks that it's really been a long time since he's seen Holden and he'll miss him. I hope they stay in touch with each other when Holden is gone and continue fostering what is arguably one of the most important relationships they'll ever have.

Dear Riley,

For the second time, I am watching a son grow more independent and closer to childhood's end. It's such a bittersweet time as a parent, but also exciting. I am so curious to see where your story goes. You're on the precipice of some big decisions about your future and I hope you see how many opportunities you are creating for yourself with your drive to succeed and the connections you're building to your community.

Asking for help and self-advocating are still difficult for you. But, as life gets even more challenging, I hope you'll embrace the team we've built to support you and, importantly, cheer you on. You're the captain of that team and we see you learning to lead it with diligence and good nature. My hope for you as you enter your 17th year and your junior year of high school is that you lean on this team when you need it. Whether it's something as simple as helping study for an exam, reviewing an essay or checking in with the professional team members on bigger issues like anxiety and motivation, please know Team Riley is always here to help you score!

We like having conversations with you at the dinner table where we talk about anything from the latest Marvel movie to politics. Your opinions and insight matter and we always want to hear what you have to say. We like that you're funny and enjoy making people laugh. We like that you want to cuddle and hug us good-night every night. You are your own person and we appreciate that so much.

We genuinely love you because everything about you is genuine. Stay true and real to yourself and your life will be full of people that like and love you as much (well, nearly as much) as we do!

Happy Sweet 16 Sweet Ra!

Love, 

Mama

Holden: High School Graduation

I'm both a sentimental sap and a super proud mom, so here is where you're going to get a heavy dose of both.

I never thought it would be possible to feel such a wide range of emotions at any given moment. I know what I'm feeling is not unique: parents have always discussed the bittersweetness that comes with children reaching milestones, especially big ones like high school graduation. But here we are.

For the last few months and weeks I've watched as Holden plowed quickly ahead, checking off each high school senior moment. Prom, grad night and award ceremony after award ceremony. Turns out, you never get tired of watching your kid (and his friends) on stage accepting accolades for their achievements. For example:

Receiving his Academic Pin (meaning he received an Academic Letter his junior year and maintained above a 3.5 weighted grade point average for six cumulative semesters):

With Mr. Brown, Assistant Principal

Tyler Fujikawa, Tora Matsuda, Jacob Owens and Holden

Receiving two PTA Scholarships from his elementary and middle schools:

Principal Anthony Bridi, the PTA President and RBUSD Superintendent Steven Keller

Holden, Brecken, Tyler, Tora and James

Receiving recognition for Project Lead the Way for completing the Digital Electronics Path:

Receiving a scholarship from Leadership Hermosa Beach for his essay on leadership, in which he talked about lessons he learned about how to be a good leader from his job at Starbucks:

With Miguel Mier

With Maya Williams

These were in addition to the gold tassel and cords he received for being a member of the California Scholarship Federation for his grades and citizenship. When all was said and done, Holden's Redondo Union High School diploma, which carries the Golden State Seal for Merit, was based on a cumulative weighted GPA of 4.28.

That just about covers the Proud Mama part. 

While I'm in constant awe of his dedication and achievements, the emotions of the finality of these moments keep passing over me in strong waves. I fought back tears as Holden and Riley left for school together for the last time after heading out together almost every day for many, many years.

It feels so real. He will never have to go to school again, it's all his choice from here on out. He will never go to school with his brother again. He will be moving in just a few months for UC Santa Cruz, leaving behind an empty bedroom and a void in my heart.

Of all the emotions I'm feeling around Holden's graduation, the one that keeps rising to the top is gratitude. I am so thankful for his hard work, dedication and self-driven achievements, and for his being a kind, sensitive and thoughtful man. I am so lucky to be his mama.

Senior portrait photo shoot:

Holden: 18 Years

 The last one.

I've been thinking about how it would feel to write this last birthday update for Holden after doing one every year since he was very little, and even more when he was even littler. But 18 years old seems like a good time to stop. It's time to hand over to Holden ownership of his story. It's now his to tell.

I recently asked Holden if he ever thought of life as chapters or parts in a book. He had not, which goes to show how few chapters he's lived and how many more are left in his story. I told him that, if his life were a book, he would be on the final pages of Life Part I.

Life for Holden right now is all about Life Part II. He is 34 days from College Decision Day and that is weighing heavy on his mind. It's such a strange phenomenon to not know where your life will go in just 6 short months. For those keeping score at home, here's what he's got:

Accepted

• UC Santa Cruz
• University of Arizona
• University of Illinois-Urbana Champaign
• University of Colorado, Boulder

Wait Listed

• UC San Diego

Schools That Don't Know What They're Missing

• University of Washington
• UCLA
• UC Berkeley
• Cal Tech

We visited The U of A last September and he really liked it and could see himself there. They were generous with their offer, bringing the price to be comparable to the UC schools. We visited UCSD recently - the same day he heard back from them. We're going to UCSC later this week.

He may not fall in love with any school campus, and I think he is aware of that. His decision-making process is very Holden: Which academic program will he get the most out of? Bang for buck? How does it feel to be on campus? Which AP and Community College credits will transfer?

Wherever he decides to go, I have no doubt that he will thrive and succeed. He has prepared for Life Part II diligently and thoughtfully for years now. He has worked so hard in school and his grades reflect his commitment. He knows how proud we are of all he has accomplished. We can't wait to see how Life Part II, and all the other parts, play out.

Meanwhile, he's admirably battling a wicked case of senioritis. He has a funky schedule at school this year with four classes: Periods 2, 4, 5 and 6. So, two days a week, because of blocked scheduling, he only goes to school for one class for a couple hours. He continues to take a couple classes a semester at El Camino Community College.

Holden is also a Starbucks "partner" (i.e. barista, cashier and janitor) at the Del Amo Mall. The experience has been very good for him. He enjoys going to work, even on days when there are lines out the door with teenagers ordering Frappuccino after Frappuccino with a broken ice machine. He is creating quite a nest egg for himself to help with college while leaning into a fabulous work ethic.

Being on the other side of pandemic lockdowns is giving him more opportunities to hang out with friends. He's one of only a couple with a driver's license and always trying to rally the pals out the door.

This year included his first car accident (he was fine; the 4Runner was not), the shedding of bedtimes (I sometimes hear the TV on in the living room at 1 a.m.), solo clothes shopping trips and, of course, lots of videos and video games.

My favorite times with Holden are when he is in a chatty mood. Sometimes he lingers at the dinner table with Kevin and me, talking about everything from school to college to physics to politics to his friends. He is interesting and insightful. He is super easy to be around. It was just he and I on the UCSD trip - our first time traveling alone together - and I genuinely enjoyed his company and found him to be a flexible and adventurous travel partner. He is a healthy mix of outgoing and introverted and is kind and thoughtful. He is super responsible, even though he doesn't always take chores to completion, earning him the nickname "Almost." 

Life will be very different without him around every day. I can't wait to hear all his stories.

Dear Holden,

The other day you came bursting in the door after school as you eagerly tapped through on the last college decision email that just arrived. You came to my side so we could read the letter together, my hand on your wrist as you held the phone. While the decision was not a surprise to you, there was some disappointment in your gait for a few minutes. It wasn't long before you realized, though, that you now have all the information you need to make a real choice. It's been a long one coming and yet it seems you only have such a short time to decide. There are no wrong choices, as wherever you decide to go you will learn, grow and have fun because when you set your mind to something, you make it happen.

I know you know this but it's hard for me to think about you leaving. For so long, I prided myself in being that parent who, honestly, couldn't wait for her kids to gain independence so I could reclaim mine. Before having kids, the idea of giving so much of my freedom and time to help someone else seemed terrible. Then, you get into it for real, with weekends filled with driving kids to birthday parties and soccer games and you find happiness in your children's happiness but... well, yeah, you look forward to that slog ending. What's giving me the sad feels is thinking about not having you here each day. I'll miss hearing about your day and talking with you about everything and nothing.

On nights that you work late you always come in and sit on the side of my bed for a few minutes. By then, your dad and Riley are asleep and it's just the two of us touching base for a few minutes in the quiet. As the smell of coffee wafts from your body, you talk about the shift, telling me funny stories. It's also a chance to check in on what's coming up the next day - tests or doctor's appointments. It's mundane but it's special. It's those moments and so many like it that make my heart hurt when I think about them disappearing.

For your 18th birthday, you want to skydive. You seemed a little hesitant to tell me because you didn't want me to worry. The thing is, I will always worry as much as I never worry when it comes to you. You are solid. You are smart, strong, stable and sure of yourself. While I'll never step out of a flying plane with you, I will always ask if you have a parachute. It's your time to fly. I'll be waiting on the ground to hug you when you return.

Happy 18th Birthday my Holden. I love you more than you could ever know.

Love,

Mama