I Left Him For This?

It's been a year since I returned to work following six months of maternity leave with Riley. I cannot believe how quick it went. The only thing that makes the time passage obvious is Riley and all the ways he's changed.

During all that glorious one-on-one time with him, we had it pretty good. We took three hour naps together cuddled on the couch, we went to the mommy movies and we had lots of time relaxing - him nursing away, me watching bad daytime television. Toward the end, I tried really hard to memorize him and that time. I'd stare at him while he slept on the Boppy after a good meal, and try to commit to memory every feature: His puckered lips, full cheeks and long lashes. His body and hands were so small. I was convinced I'd remember it all, and feed off of it in the months to come when I returned to work.

But now, a year later, the only way I can remember tiny Riley is by photographs. Even when I close my eyes and try to picture him, I fear the memories I conjure are the photographs I have surrounding me at work. And as I grapple with some less-than-ideal work situations, I can't help but be haunted by the possibility that I made a mistake. Although I love the work I do, and find it rewarding, fulfilling, challenging and interesting, I can't help but think of all the time I could've had with the kids if I didn't return.

The boys just went back to daycare after a 12-day break. Kevin had the entire time off, I worked four of the days. Being with the kids 24/7 was a lot of work. But, although in a different way, it was also rewarding, fulfilling, challenging and interesting. I think the lesson here is that there is no perfect, ideal situation. We have to do whatever is necessary so that, when we wake up each morning, we can face the day with anticipation. And when we go to bed each night, we can look back and feel we made a difference and had fun.

Being a full-time worker/parent obviously has it's difficulties. I miss those kids so much during the day. But at night and on the weekends, I appreciate them so much more. Every family has to do what's right for them. After a year, I know we're doing what works best for us. Even if I were home all day, his baby days are gone and he'd be raring to go to preschool soon, anyway. I just wish those baby days could be captured again and, just once in a while, Riley would lay his sleepy head on my shoulder and breath soft baby breaths into my neck.