Holden - 9 Years

You know how we're always wondering at what age we became pretty much who we are? I think I know the answer: Age 8. Because, for weeks, I've been trying to think how to give an update on Holden at age 9, but he's just not all that different than he was at 8. Don't get me wrong - that's a good thing, as Holden is kinda the best kid you could ever ask for. It just makes writing these yearly newsletters a little more challenging.

However, no matter how much his sweet, independent and generous disposition never change, he is growing up. That fact is clear as day when he is riding next to me in the front seat. That's right, I said it: The. Front. Seat. And when he's in the back seat? No. Car. Seat.

We all like to tell stories about how when we were kids we never wore seat belts and bounced around our parents' station wagons like bunnies as they whizzed down the freeway. I'm sure most of us even remember our parents puffing on cigarettes at the same time. The horror! It's a different day and a different way of parenting and now, it just feels weird that he's not being boosted in the confines of the back seat. It's weird for him, too.

"In some ways, I'm starting to feel more grown up," Holden said recently from the back seat.

"How is that?" I asked.

"Well, not having to ride in a car seat, for one," he replied.

When he sits in the front seat, his hands are everywhere. "What would happen if I pulled on the emergency brake?" "What does this do?" "Why is that here?" I suspect he's interested in the mechanics as much as he's interested in preparing for the day when he's at last able to nurture his independence and drive on his own - a day he is already counting down to.

There is a long way to go, and a lot more growing up to do first. And when growing up means having to take control of your actions and more responsibility, it's not as easy as spiking an inch and a half over night.

Holden is experiencing one of those times now as he works very hard to stop flapping. Yes, flapping. Somewhere along the line, maybe early in the school year, he started using his arms to express himself. Loose wrists brought up to chest level, he'd sometimes flap with just his hands or most his arms. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. He even said different types of flaps reflected how he felt at that moment: happy, sad, tired or just content. It seemed strange, but he had a pretty good handle on it. That some of his friends did it, too, and that the Internet told us kids just sometimes do these things, we didn't worry about it much.

But then, he started getting in trouble at school. His teachers told him it "wasn't appropriate" to flap. His daily behavior marks were suffering as a result of his flapping.

"Are you hurting anyone with your flapping?" we asked.

"No."

"Are you disrupting anyone from learning?" we asked.

"No."

"Then, by all means, flap away!" we said.

His teacher, though, told us that the flapping was indeed disruptive and, while he hasn't hurt anyone, he's come close. We told her we'd support her effort and told him he could only flap outside, on the playground. It was rough, but he improved and flapped whenever he wasn't in class.

Then I took him for his check-up days before his birthday. As the pediatrician entered the room, he greeted her with a big smile and some big flapping. She stopped, looked at me and I said, "And, there you have one of the concerns I wanted to speak with you about today."

She asked him and I lots of questions, and agreed it was more habit than tic ... but wanted to rule out any neurological reason for the flapping. She gave me a referral and him a one-month reprieve: stop flapping or go see another doctor.

Amazingly, he has. Sure, once in a while - especially at first  - I see him raise his hands to position. But he stops himself. In fact, we can't remember seeing him really flap once in the past couple weeks. "It's hard," he said. But he didn't complain. He listened, he took charge of himself and he changed. That seems like such a grown-up behavior that I can barely think of many grown-ups who could break a habit so well.

And that's Holden: When he puts his mind to it, there is no stopping him. Whether it be learning cursive or Hebrew, creating an amazing oral presentation on Neil Armstrong, whiffing the ball from home plate or not flapping ... the kid has determination.

Dear Holden,

If you pay close attention to the date of this blog entry, you'll notice it's posted a good two months past your actual birthday. That's our life now. While I did actually write the bulk of this within weeks of your birthday (which, admittedly, is still weeks past my self-imposed deadline), the act of posting photos, finishing and clicking "publish" was just too much to fit into our crazy schedule. We've had a good time camping and going to Family Camp and more Little League games and practices than I care to count recently. But life with you and your brother are just plain busy.

We know you like the activity, but we also know it can be overwhelming at times. When we don't have time for a simple bike ride or game of Monopoly, I see you grow frustrated. The funny thing is, most of the activities center around things you want to do: friends' birthdays, school functions, seeing family, etc. Just as you have a hard time saying "no" to these activities, we do, too.

We hope, though, that all this busyness will mean a happy and full childhood for you to look back on. We're talking a lot more about when you grow up, and we're tackling some big issues, like college, relationships, religion and your interests in such things as space and sports. My wish for you is that you'll get to try and experience all that life has to offer. Your world is expanding more and more everyday. You are bright and curious and independent and sensitive ... all traits that will serve you well as you explore your own inter-personal relationships, educational aspirations and extra-curricular interests.

Whatever you decide to do, wherever you decide to go and whoever you decide to do it with, we will always support you. Your wings are growing. We can't wait to watch you soar.

All my love,
Mama