As we near closer to winter, Holden's musings on the existence of Santy Claus came faster. He'd raise his doubts without warning, in passing, with his brother - still full of wonder and belief - nearby. "Shhhh..." we'd say and whisk him out of his brother's earshot. "Let's talk about it later," we'd add, hoping we wouldn't have to.
But today, as we enjoyed one of our favorite family holiday rituals, Holden couldn't quell his doubts any longer. We were going through Grandma Sheila's dozens of boxes, lovingly removing the ornaments she's collected over the years. We love hearing where each came from and hanging our favorites at the front of the tree. Holden, though, walked away from the activity he's looked forward to for weeks. When he returned, he asked to speak to me privately.
We went in the other room and he said, "I have to know. Are you and Dad Santa Claus?"
"Well," I said hesitantly (after all, I'm the Jew in this relationship, I didn't sign on for the job of quashing kids' dreams). "What do you think?"
"I don't know," he said quietly. "I want to believe, but I also want to know the truth."
So I sent him to get his Father.
They returned and I told Kevin what Holden and I were discussing. He looked at me. I shrugged.
"OK, Holden. You're right," he admitted.
Holden's eyes got teary, as did mine. It was as if, in that moment, we were mourning a little piece of his childhood, and we all felt it.
He agreed to keep the secret, for Riley's sake, and to not talk about it at school. We explained how, although Santa may not be real, the magic and hope the character creates is. And, at this time of year, it's nice to have him be a part of the season - representing giving and filling children's dreams.
Holden got it, and returned to the living room to continue decorating the tree. Then, he made a big show of making his wish list for Santa, and got Riley inspired to do the same. He asked if he could be in on the Santa plan this year. He doesn't realize it, but he already is.
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